Loss

From 26/6/11

Mothers I feel should come
With more limbs

Perhaps one per child
So that when they leave
Or walk away
Or run off
The mother still has something left

Grace

From 8/11/10

Reassembly
Its a massive struggle to survive
Something is lost, broken,

I’ve watched for a year as he has struggled
Tried to gather himself back in
Reattach lost limbs and organs
Some he will never find again

There was a time when he had stopped trying
Didn’t think he deserved another go
Thought he deserved the punishment he wore like a crucifix
But grace stepped in
Overwhelmed him
Saved him

But every birthday still rolls right by
And mobile phones still never ring
Stark reminders that they don’t
See him as he is or will be but only as he was
When he was
broken
apart
damaged
ruined
but not destroyed

Birthdays - for Peter

From  8/9/10

Birthdays
Anniversaries
Days that remind us of the past
A place we left
A stark reminder that we have
Lived a different life
In a different place
At a different time

We move forwards
Step boldly into a future
Uncertain
and unsure
But how like a birthday to remind us
Of the life we left behind!

On Being My Own Knight In Shining Armor

From  18/8/10

The knights in shining armor never came
Maybe they got lost along their way

The knights in shining armor never came
Maybe the dispatcher misheard my name

The knights in shining armor never came
Maybe they got stuck playing someone elses game

The knights in shining armor never came
Maybe the horses got scared and ran away

The knights in shining armor never came
Was there simply too much shame?

The knights in shining armor never came
But suddenly it’s not the same

The knights in shining armor never came
But now I don’t look at them with blame

The knights in shining armor never came
Instead I found myself another way

Co-Dependency

From  8/9/10

People often ask, ‘What exactly is Co-dependency?’

Co-dependency is not an easy condition to define, and I think it can be different for different people, and at different times.

But to me, it’s living life in a shadow. Another person’s shadow. And it’s like being locked in their movements, only able to do as they do, only able to go where they go, think as they think, feel as they feel.

It’s not a mimicking thing – it’s like someone has taken your capacity to be you and locked you instead in a space where you only feel ok if you are in this shadow.

Stepping out from it is frightening, and usually too painful to even contemplate.

It’s like being a puppet within the shadow. And of course, being in someone else’s shadow is limiting – you can never branch out, try something new, feel different, think a new thought. It keeps you smaller than you could possibly be on your own, because it restricts you to only that part of life where the shadow and yourself meet.

The Knife

From  7/11/10

The dagger twisted
His heart was soft
Malleable
It tore easily

They thought him tough
Impenetrable
But they were wrong
Pain filled his being

Guilt and regret

He had never been good enough
Patient enough
Kind enough
Any kind of enough

Their angry words taunted him
In life and in dreams
It felt never over
Their absence another twisting
Another turning
Another thrust in his
Already ripped heart
Calculated precisely to achieve what it did